Who Says It's a Wonderful Life?
by themuse19
Summary: What if Kurt had never been born? Very loosely inspired by "It's a Wonderful Life". Mention of suicide and character death, but nothing graphic or disturbing. Kurt-centric, but other characters appear. Rating changed to T, just to be safe.
1. Kurt

**Loosely (very loosely) inspired by _It's a Wonderful Life_ and _A Christmas Carol_. It is Kurt-centric, but other characters appear. As always, I try to keep Darren out, but he sneaks in sometimes.**

**I don't own anything.**

* * *

><p>Kurt swerved to avoid the dog running across the road and felt the back of the compact rental car begin to slide on the icy pavement. "Steer into the skid, steer into the skid," he muttered to himself, gripping the wheel tightly. Almost immediately he realized that he had overcorrected, and the car was now skidding even harder in the opposite direction, but his exhaustion prevented him from reacting quickly enough to do anything about it. He cursed as the car spun out of control and into the deep snow in the ditch. He had reserved an SUV with four-wheel drive but there had been a mix up. Since the drive from the Dayton airport to Lima was only about 40 miles, he thought he would be okay with the smaller car. He was a little shaken and dizzy, but not seriously hurt. However he was stuck in deep snow in a white car, with no possibility of getting the car back on the road and little likelihood of been seen in the dark. The engine was still running so he wouldn't freeze right away but he would have to do something soon.<p>

"This is just great," he thought, "absolutely perfect." If he had spoken aloud, there would have been sarcasm dripping from his voice. It was Christmas Eve. He and Blaine had been fighting frequently when Blaine was home at all, and it was the last straw when his husband scheduled a concert in New York on December 26th. He could still hear Blaine's voice playing in his head.

_It's a benefit concert to raise money for the new shelter for homeless families. I know we didn't discuss it first, but the artist who was supposed to perform came down with the flu, and they really need the money. I had to give them an answer right away, and I just couldn't say 'no'. I know we're supposed to leave for the airport in an hour, but can't we visit Burt and Carole after Christmas instead?_

It was infuriating. It was just one more example of the way that Blaine's needs took precedence over anything else. _Blaine's_ career had taken off after college. _Kurt_ was still stuck in the job he had taken to support them while Blaine tried to break into the music business. The agreement had been that Kurt would support Blaine for 18 months. If Blaine didn't have a recording contract at the end of that time, he would support Kurt for 18 months while Kurt pursued his dream of Broadway stardom. In a case of right-place-right-time, a music producer heard Blaine perform one of his original songs at a wedding. Three months later, _Comfortable_ was a number one hit and Blaine Anderson (Anderson-Hummel was deemed too complicated) was a household name. Blaine performed to sold-out audiences across the country, and Kurt was always in the front row, at least at first. Now, when they should have been a year into Kurt's turn, Kurt rarely attended a concert unless it was in New York, refusing to accompany Blaine on the road because missing work so frequently would jeopardize Kurt's job. Somehow Kurt's Broadway dreams had gotten lost along the way and he found himself alone more and more often.

Rachel, on the other hand, had taken Broadway by storm, at least to hear her tell the story. Although she didn't get accepted to NYADA (they frowned on election fraud), she had gotten in to the Steinhardt School's Vocal Performance program at NYU. From there it was just a hop, skip and a jump from small off-Broadway roles to more prominent roles on the Great White Way. She hadn't received top billing yet, but it was only a matter of time.

Time was the one thing she didn't have for Kurt any more. At first they were best friends. He gave her advice on auditions, listened when she complained, and supported her emotionally. They would shop together, looking for vintage items she could afford. He would style her outfits for the numerous events she attended in an effort to see and be seen and make connections. She had even worn a few gowns that were his original creations. Now, however, she had a professional stylist and only wore clothes from top designers. He hadn't spoken to her in weeks. He didn't reply to her texts, or even read them, and let her calls go to voice mail, deleting them without playing them back. He was tired of hearing her brag about her success, who she had lunched with, the events she was attending.

Burt and Carole were busy with Burt's political career. Burt had taken his seat in the Ohio Senate in early 2012. Four years later, he had been reelected to his second term. Because of the two-term limit, he and Carole would be returning home soon unless Carole decided to run for the seat Burt would vacate. Burt had secured funding for school arts programs and been instrumental in advancing gay rights in Ohio. He had strong grass roots support, and it was likely that Carole could pick up where he left off. They were leaving two days after Christmas on a fact-finding tour for something or other (Kurt hadn't really listened to the details) so if Kurt wanted to see them, he would have to stick to the original schedule. He didn't bother reminding Blaine of all this – if Blaine had really cared, he would have remembered on his own.

"I'm going to Lima, Blaine, with you or without you. I'm not changing my plans," he stated flatly, leaving no room for discussion, hiding the hurt and frustration behind an angry mask.

The airport was crowded, the flight had been turbulent, the car rental clerk had been unpleasant, and Kurt had a pounding headache. It had just been one aggravation after another, and now he was stuck in a ditch half way between Lima and Dayton. He reached for his phone to call a tow truck.


	2. Waiting for the Tow Truck

**_Glee_ belongs to someone else. Darn.**

* * *

><p>Due to the weather, the towing company had a backlog of calls. The last thing Kurt wanted to hear was that it would be at least an hour before they could get to him since he wasn't hurt or in any danger. He thought about calling Burt, but decided it would be better not to have his dad driving in the snow. He reclined his seat, closed his eyes and settled in to wait.<p>

"What had happened to him?" he wondered. "Where had it all gone wrong?" His senior year of high school had seemed so magical. Blaine had transferred to McKinley and they had spent nearly every waking moment together (and some sleeping ones as well, he remembered with a grin). He didn't get the role he wanted in _West Side Story_, but he had to admit that Blaine made a much better _Tony_ than Kurt would have, and Kurt found to his surprise that he rather enjoyed comic roles. There was more show choir drama than normal, but Finn and Blaine had worked out their differences and even with Rachel unable to participate, the New Directions had beaten the Trouble Tones at Sectionals. Afterwards, the two groups had combined and the solos were distributed more evenly, although Blaine had certainly gotten his fair share, making them a stronger group overall. Karofsky had transferred to another school; Santana had come out and was much kinder than she had been. There was still some bullying, but it was nothing like the previous year and having Blaine with him made it bearable.

After graduation he and Rachel moved to New York. Since Blaine was still in Lima and New York apartments were expensive, they lived in the dorm but they were in many of the same classes and saw each other frequently. Kurt got along well with his roommate, and all the performing arts students were friendly. It was hard being apart from Blaine, but they kept in touch by Skyping, texting, and calling, and Kurt came home every chance he got. The rest of their group had scattered across the country, pursuing their dreams, but they talked as often as they could and visited on holidays. Mercedes and Santana called frequently, Mercedes seeking advice on outfits and boys, and Santana just to talk. Finn had stayed in Lima, attending community college and helping Burt in the shop. Even though he was separated from most of his family and friends, Kurt never felt like he was alone.

The next year was even better. Thanks to the new dual-credit program and AP tests, when Blaine joined Kurt at NYU the following year, he entered as a sophomore. The boys got an apartment together and settled in. The apartment was small, but there was room for Kurt's sewing machine and cutting table, and Blaine's musical instruments and recording equipment. They threw themselves into their studies, both of them performing whenever possible, and Blaine discovered that he liked composing.

Three years passed quickly, and graduation came sooner than they would have thought possible. Kurt took a job as a junior buyer for a department store chain and Blaine began working on his music, performing in bars and cafes, and at weddings and other events. He began to develop a small local following and they were both delighted when Kurt discovered that someone had posted video from one of his performances on YouTube.

Many of the former glee club members got married, some to each other and some to outsiders. Kurt and Blaine were no exception. Neither of them actually proposed – it was just sort of a mutual decision. They had always known they would get married eventually, and the Christmas after graduation seemed like a good time. They had a small (but fabulous) ceremony on December 27th and became the Anderson-Hummels.

As time passed, Kurt began to see his friends less often. His days were spent at work and his evenings and weekends were spent with Blaine, usually at a performance of some kind. Kurt became an expert at setting up Blaine's equipment and fixing the finicky amplifier. He got Blaine out of the t-shirts and faded jeans that he liked to wear when he was performing and into a more casual-professional look. Money was tight, but they were doing okay. They loved each other and that was enough. Wednesday nights were their together time. Blaine never worked on Wednesday and they took turns planning their dates. Sometimes they went to a movie or saw a show, and sometimes they went shopping or walked in the park. Occasionally, they just stayed in and had a romantic evening at home.

Kurt couldn't identify a specific time when things began to change, but he knew it was after Blaine was discovered. Blaine had a manager and an agent and a publicist and a vocal coach and a stylist and they were all making demands on his time. Blaine was playing bigger venues now and performing at charity events and all of a sudden Wednesday night wasn't sacred any more. If his "team" wanted Blaine to do something, he did it, regardless of whether or not Kurt had other plans. Even when they had their Wednesdays together, Blaine was often too tired to do anything except sit on the couch, falling asleep during the first 20 minutes of the movie they were watching. Kurt knew that they had to take advantage of every opportunity that presented itself if they wanted Blaine to succeed, but it still hurt that Kurt was gradually being pushed into the background.

The more Kurt thought about his life, the more he felt sorry for himself. All his friends had moved on with their own lives, and it felt like he was just holding Blaine back. "I wonder if anyone would miss me if I died out here?" he thought. "Would anyone care if I had never been born?"


	3. Sue

_**Glee**_** is not my property.**

* * *

><p>It seemed that only a few minutes had passed when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Kurt, Kurt, wake up."<p>

Groggily, Kurt opened his eyes and looked around. "_David? David Karofsky?_ What are you doing here? And how did you get in my car?"

"I'm here to answer your question, Kurt. You wanted to know if anyone would care if you had never been born. I'm here to show you."

Kurt just stared. For a moment he was scared, but then he relaxed. Karofsky hadn't changed much since high school, but he resembled the boy Kurt had talked to in the bar more than the bully who had tormented him and he wasn't behaving in a threatening manner. "That doesn't make any sense, David. Are you with the towing company? I don't see your truck."

Dave smiled. "I'm sure the tow truck will be here soon. I'll keep you company until it arrives. Do you remember Coach Sylvester?"

Kurt snorted. "How could I forget? I still have nightmares about her sometimes. I have to say, though, she was much nicer to the glee club after her sister died. She fought a dirty campaign against my dad, but I think she learned something from her loss. She didn't always let people see it, but I know she cared about the students."

"I want to show you something. Will you hold my hand?"

Kurt reached out to take David's hand. As soon as their fingers touched, he saw the car dissolve around him. He felt disoriented and dizzy so he closed his eyes. A strange voice filled his ears. What was it saying? _Kurt Hummel, erased …._

XXXXX

Kurt found himself standing in the hall outside the choir room. "Okay, this can't be happening. Either I'm asleep or I hit my head when I ran off the road," he muttered.

"It's okay, Kurt," Dave reassured him. "Just go with it. Look inside the room."

Kurt opened the door and looked in. The room was full of desks. The piano was gone, in fact he couldn't see any instruments at all, and there were no risers. The walls were covered with posters about parts of speech and spelling rules, and "Welcome to Reading Improvement" was written on a large banner above the board. Coach Sylvester's trophy case was still there, but the first place Nationals trophy they had won the year he joined the Cheerios was smaller. "Did McKinley get a new choir room?" he asked, puzzled. "And what happened to our Nationals trophy?"

Dave looked sad. "The law went into effect five years ago. Public schools in Ohio can't have any kind of arts program unless all students are reading at grade level or above. No art classes, no band, no music of any kind. That includes show choir. Sue especially targeted McKinley. She insisted that all art and music teachers be fired immediately and the money used for remediation. "

"Wait …. I don't get it. How could Coach Sylvester get teachers fired?"

"Coach Sylvester couldn't, but Ohio State Senator Sylvester could. There was no write-in candidate in the 2011 election. Sue won on a platform to eliminate the arts in schools and she made good on her campaign promise. Even if we get her out of office now, it isn't likely that the law will be repealed any time soon."

"My dad won that election! What do you mean 'there was no write-in candidate'?"

Dave sighed and led Kurt down the hall. This was going to be harder than he thought. "You were never born, Kurt. A lot of things aren't the way you remember them. The Cheerios got first place at Nationals because you belted out Celine Dion songs in French during the whole routine. Without you, they came in second. I'll tell you about your dad in a little while. Let me show you a little more about Sue first."

Dave touched the wall outside Sue's office, causing it to shimmer and dissolve. Inside, Kurt could see Finn talking to Coach Sylvester. Finn looked scared, but determined. The room was full of flowers.

"I remember this. It was right after Sue's sister, Jean, died. Finn and I wanted to help. We ended up planning the whole funeral. The glee club sang and the funeral home was packed. Jean had so many friends and had touched so many lives. Sue tried to read the eulogy, but she was so overcome that Mr. Schue had to read it for her. Afterwards, she thanked us and that seemed to end her vendetta against the glee club. The funeral was the reason Finn realized that he didn't love Quinn. He broke up with her in the car afterwards." Kurt paused. "I should be there. I talked to Coach Sylvester with Finn. Where am I?"

"Kurt," Dave said gently, "you were never born. Finn tried to help Coach Sylvester by himself, but he wasn't able to convince her. Sue was so overwhelmed that she got rid of all of Jean's belongings, and refused to hold a funeral because she was afraid no one would come. Afterwards, she seemed to lock her heart away, afraid to care about anyone ever again. She kicked Becky Jackson off the Cheerios and dedicated her life to making others miserable. Her behavior got so bizarre that if she hadn't left to become a Senator, she probably would have been fired."

"But she served Christmas dinner at the homeless shelter," protested Kurt. "She got the whole glee club to perform, although we were a little late."

"It didn't happen, Kurt. This Coach Sylvester was in Columbus at the time, and wouldn't willingly have come within 20 miles of a homeless person."

* * *

><p><strong>I know what I want to do with Sue (obviously), Rachel, Blaine, Burt, Carole, Dave, Will, and Emma, and maybe Mercedes and Artie, but I'm not sure what (if anything) I want to do with Mike, Tina, Rory, Finn, Santana, Brittany, Sam, Puck and Quinn. Any suggestions?<strong>


	4. Will and Emma

**I don't own _Glee_. I'm just borrowing the characters.**

* * *

><p>Kurt still didn't understand what was going on, but a phrase from his 8th grade English class popped into his mind: <em>willing suspension of disbelief<em>. He decided to assume this was a dream and just enjoy it. It was better than sitting in the car waiting for the tow truck and thinking about how messed up his life was.

"Are you going to Will and Emma's party tonight, Dave?" he asked. Kurt hadn't spoken with the Schuesters in quite a while, but their Christmas Eve party had been a tradition for years, and Kurt knew he would be welcome. It was common knowledge - all McKinley alumni were invited. He especially wanted to see the twins. They were at such a cute age - almost three, and they hadn't even been a year old the last time he saw them.

"Will and Emma aren't together, Kurt," replied Dave.

Kurt was astounded. Okay, he admitted it, he had been out of touch with everyone lately, but surely _someone_ would have told him about something like this. "Are they separated? When did this happen?"

"They never got together at all," he explained. "You were never born, remember?"

"Wait, I didn't have anything to do with their getting together. I'm not even sure how it happened. We came back to school for our senior year and they were living together. Everyone was glad. They were more oblivious to each other than Blaine and I were when we first met." Kurt smiled at the memory of how much he had liked Blaine and how wonderful it was to discover that Blaine liked him back. He could still hear the words: _You move me, Kurt._ "All the glee club kids were beginning to believe it would never happen."

Dave thought a minute. "Hmm, what's the best way to do this?" he muttered. He turned to Kurt. "You like theatre, right?" Without waiting for an answer, he touched Kurt's hand.

XXXXX

The dizziness wasn't quite as bad this time. Kurt found himself in the auditorium, sitting just where he preferred, slightly to the left of center, a few rows back from the stage. He looked around at the empty auditorium as the lights dimmed and the curtain rose. He watched as the scene played out before him. It was the "Night of Neglect" benefit that New Directions had put on to raise money for the academic quiz team. Holly Holiday belted out _Turning Tables_. The stage lights dimmed and the scene changed. Holly and Will Schuester were talking in the hall. She broke up with him, and told him that he should be with Emma Pillsbury. The curtain closed and the house lights came up.

Kurt turned to David. "See, I told you I didn't get them together."

"Think back, Kurt," Dave replied. "How did Miss Holiday meet Mr. Schue in the first place?"

"She... she took over the glee club for a while when Mr. Schue was sick."

"And why did she do that?"

"Oh." Kurt was stunned. "Because I asked her to." He paused. "So, what happened to them?"

"Will married April Rhodes. She tried really hard, but she was never able to control her drinking, and they eventually split up. She never wrote _CrossRhodes_, never made it to Broadway. She still sings in bars and restaurants from time to time, but she never holds down a job for long. There are only so many times the owners will put up with a performer who shows up late and drunk, no matter how well she can sing. Will gives her money when he can, but he doesn't like to spend time with her. Sue tried to get him fired, but all she could do was disband the glee club. He still teaches Spanish. Emma resigned about a year ago. She never got treatment for her OCD. Without Will's love and support, her condition got worse and worse until she was unable to function. She never leaves her house now, too afraid of the germs all around her."

"I guess the twins were never born, either," Kurt said with regret. "That's a shame. They are so cute."

"That's right," Dave confirmed. "And there's more. When Holly met Will, she was afraid of commitment, too afraid of being hurt to stay in a relationship for more than a few weeks. Working with the glee club and dating Will changed all that. After she left Lima to teach French in Cleveland, she met the man she would eventually marry. She and Charles have a lovely daughter and another child on the way. At least, that's what would have occurred, had you been there. Since you were never born, it never happened. She never subbed for the glee club, never dated Will, never learned to trust, never realized what was missing from her life. She still met Charles, but only dated him for two weeks before moving on."

Kurt sighed. This dream was turning out to be awfully sad, almost as sad as his reality. There was so much missing from his life. He wondered if he would ever get it back.

"Tell me about the election now, David. Why wasn't there a write-in candidate?"

* * *

><p>Thanks to Bubblewrap is my life for the suggestion about what to do with Quinn and for reviewing.<p> 


	5. Karofsky

**I don't want to give away the plot, but this one could be a tiny bit disturbing. Nothing graphic, though.**

* * *

><p>Dave looked at the floor, the ceiling, the stage; anywhere to avoid making eye contact with Kurt. Telling Kurt about his family was going to be really rough. Kurt wasn't going to take it well at all. Maybe he could distract Kurt, put this off a little while longer. He didn't want to talk about Blaine yet — that was going to be worse than talking about the Hudmels — but maybe he could tell Kurt about himself. That wasn't going to be much fun either, but the fact was that Kurt had impacted so many lives in positive ways that it was hard to find something pleasant to tell him.<p>

"Could we wait just a little longer for that, Kurt?" he began. "I'd like to tell you my story first."

Kurt frowned. He wasn't happy about this, but it _was _just a dream. It wasn't like anything bad had happened to his Dad, not really. "Okay, I guess so, Dave," he said, reluctantly.

"Thanks. Hold on. We're going to move again," he said as he touched Kurt's hand.

XXXXX

Kurt shivered as he realized where they were. It was the locker room where Karofsky (funny how he thought of the boy as _Karofsky_ and not _Dave_ whenever he remembered this; they were really two different people to him) had assaulted him. Yes, it was just a kiss, but it was an assault, nonetheless.

"Oh, man, I'm … I'm sorry Kurt," stammered Dave. "I had no idea we'd end up here."

"You mean you aren't controlling this? I know it's my dream, but I don't think I'm in control. I sure wouldn't have brought us here. It's okay; I can handle it," he continued. "It was a long time ago and we're past that now. You're not that person any more."

Dave took a huge breath, gathering his courage. _Courage _—_ that was funny. Kurt had always had more courage than anyone he knew._ "I was a bully in high school," Dave began, "but I guess you know that better than anyone, and you know why. I was pretty sure I was gay and I was so afraid for anyone to find out. There weren't any gay boys at McKinley, at least not any who were out of the closet, but that didn't stop us from picking on anyone who appeared to be weak or vulnerable, and it didn't take much for us to accuse someone of being gay. At first it was just slushie facials and locker slams, but the violence escalated. No one stood up to us; the fear in people's eyes was like a drug to me. It made me feel good about myself. I know it's sick, but that's the way it was."

"But what about Finn and Puck? I saw them stand up to you a number of times," interrupted Kurt. "Remember Finn in the red shower curtain dress? The whole glee club stood up to you that day."

"Yeah, well.. think about it. They were standing up for you, Kurt, because they loved and respected you. Without you there, they didn't have a reason to stand up to us. There was no one to rein us in. Even the teachers were afraid of us."

"But what about the Bully Whips? You and Santana made a difference at McKinley, Dave. Sure, there was still quite a bit of homophobia, but you put an end to the violence and bullying. And at least I got a crown out of the deal," he added, a tiny smile flashing across his face. _Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton._

"Santana only started the Bully Whips so you would return to McKinley. Since you were never born, there was never any reason for her to try to rehabilitate me. In fact, she was just as bad as I was, and for all the same reasons." He fell silent, misery washing across his face.

"Dave? What is it?" Kurt asked gently.

"This is really hard," came the reply. "I'm not proud of any of this." He took another shaky breath and continued his story. "We were mean, but we managed not to do any permanent damage — at least no _physical_ damage — to anyone. I'm sure we wreaked emotional havoc left and right, though. Then Allen showed up." He stopped, unable to continue.

"What happened?" Kurt inquired, his voice soft. "Was he a new kid?"

Dave shuddered. "I can't do this, Kurt. I can't say the words. I'll have to show you. It isn't pretty, and you'll hate it, but you have to know what I am, what I became without you, without your help and support. We can use the television that the team uses to watch game films. Maybe it won't be so bad on the small screen." As he pointed at it, the TV came on. Kurt watched in horror as the events unfolded before him.

The show began with the new student being taunted in the halls, being slushied, slammed into lockers — the usual stuff — but Kurt could tell that the boy was getting more and more angry. He was small and didn't appear able to defend himself, and no one seemed to be interested in rescuing him. Kurt was hoping that Allen would just learn to make himself unobtrusive and stay out of the way as much as possible, but it looked like Allen was reaching a breaking point. The final straw came one morning when the gang started taunting him for being gay, using those hateful words Kurt had come to know so well. Allen answered back and Kurt knew he was in trouble. As Allen left the school after math club that day, Karofsky and his gang were lying in wait. Kurt heard Dave sobbing beside him as they watched the beating begin.

"Stop!" Kurt yelled to the nameless being who was controlling his dream. "That's enough! I get the idea. I don't need to see any more. _We _don't need to see any more."

Kurt put his arms around the broken boy beside him. "Dave, it's okay. It's just a dream. It isn't even your dream. It's okay."

"We hurt him, Kurt," Dave sobbed. "We hurt him really badly. He was in a coma for weeks. I … I couldn't live with what I had done, the monster I had become."

"Was he okay?" Kurt asked softly. "I can tell you changed somehow. You aren't that person any more. He got better, and you apologized and you stopped bullying people, right?"

"No, Kurt, you aren't listening. _I couldn't live with what I had done!_ I killed myself a week later!" David shouted.

"Dave, no..." Kurt didn't know what to say. _What did one say to a person who had killed himself,_ Kurt thought irrationally. This dream was getting more surreal by the minute.

"The time you came after me, challenged me... The time I ... I assaulted you ... seeing the look in your eyes ... that was an epiphany for me. I realized exactly what I was and I didn't like what I saw. I wasn't ready to change, but the seed had been planted. When you and Blaine confronted me on the stairs that day … it might have looked like I was rejecting everything you said, but I was listening. It meant a lot to know that you and Blaine were there for me, that I wasn't alone, even after all the horrible things I had done to you. I wasn't ready to reach out, but I knew the two of you would be there for me when I was." Dave was beginning to calm down, his breath coming more evenly as he continued. "At first I was just pretending to be sorry for the way I acted because Santana was blackmailing me, but it wasn't long before I realized how amazing you were. I had always been attracted to you," Dave said, blushing, "but I hated you for making me feel that way. I thought it was your fault that I might be gay, and I didn't want to be gay. After I got to know you and realized that you cared about me — not as a boyfriend of course — as a friend, I don't know … it just changed something inside me. If you could accept me, then maybe other people would, too, and maybe I could accept myself."

"I started a new life when I transferred for my senior year of high school," Dave continued. "I got a football scholarship, and found the courage to come out during my sophomore year when I met a guy, Andy. He was so brave and so beautiful, just like you. He told me how he felt about me and I realized that I could have a relationship like you and Blaine if I just had a little courage. We're still together. At least … that's the life I have in the world that contains Kurt Hummel. Without you, I'm not even here."


	6. Blaine

**Santa didn't bring me _Glee_. I really had my hopes up, too. I wish everyone a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. I appreciate everyone who is reading. Thank you so much. Let me know what you think about my sock theory.**

* * *

><p>"Dave, let's get out of here. This is really depressing," Kurt complained. "This is the worst dream I've ever had. Isn't there something nice you can tell me?" Silently, Dave took Kurt's hand and Kurt found himself in his old bedroom.<p>

"You were important to so many people in so many ways, Kurt. You have to see that now. Things just weren't as good without you." Dave brightened. "Oh, I know one thing. Blaine wears socks."

"I'm glad to hear that, but how could I have anything to do with his not wearing socks? I've always tried to get him to wear socks, at least during the winter. Socks keep your feet warm and prevent stinky shoes."

Remember the 'Gap Attack'?" Dave asked.

Kurt laughed. "Oh, yeah. Poor Blaine. He put it all on the line for Jeremiah and got shot down. Big time. Poor Jeremiah, too, I guess. He didn't deserve to get fired, and it wasn't his fault that Blaine had a crush on him. He hadn't done anything to lead Blaine on and he was right about not dating a minor. Blaine was lucky that Jeremiah was an honorable person. We laughed about it later, but it was a big deal at the time."

"Blaine tried to get the Warblers to perform at the Gap, but without you there to convince them, they refused. Remember the way Blaine ended the song by sliding across the floor and placing a pair of socks on the checkout counter? He was so traumatized by the experience that he was never able to purchase socks again. When his old ones wore out, he didn't replace them; he just went without."

"You've got to be kidding!" exclaimed Kurt. "I wish he had told me. I would have been happy to buy socks for him. We could have faced it together." Suddenly, Kurt's face fell.

"Kurt, what is it?" inquired Dave. This story was supposed to cheer Kurt up, not upset him.

"I just realized — I _have _been holding Blaine back, and it's been happening a lot longer than I thought. He would have been better off without me." Kurt wiped away a tear.

Dave pulled Kurt into a gentle hug. "Is this okay?" he asked as he felt Kurt stiffen. Kurt nodded and relaxed against Dave's chest. It felt so good to be hugged, to feel some human contact. This is what was missing from his life. It had been such a long time since he had talked to anyone the way he was talking to Dave, and he couldn't remember the last time someone had hugged him. How had he become so isolated? And more importantly, what could he do to fix it?

"You're wrong, you know," Dave said gently. "Let me show you Blaine's life ..." He waved his hand and a picture formed on the wall in front of them. "You never went to spy on Dalton, Kurt. Blaine never met you, never fell in love with you. When Sebastian showed up during Blaine's junior year, Blaine was ripe for the picking. He had never had a boyfriend and didn't know what it was like to have someone who really loved him."

Kurt watched in silence. Clearly Blaine was still at Dalton, still the front man for the Warblers. He watched as Sebastian swept Blaine off his feet, taking him to movies and out to eat, bringing him little presents, singing songs for him, charming Blaine with his sophistication. Blaine looked so happy. This just confirmed Kurt's theory. Tears began to roll down his cheeks. "See, Dave. He _was _better off without me. I knew it!" he sobbed.

"Keep watching, Kurt," Dave urged. "Just keep watching."

Blaine's solos turned into duets with Sebastian. Soon Sebastian was singing the majority of the song, only allowing Blaine a few harmony parts. It wasn't long before the Warblers had a new lead singer and Blaine relegated himself to the background. Kurt was seething. _How dare Sebastian make Blaine feel like he didn't deserve to have the solos?_ Their relationship changed as well. Sebastian began to pressure Blaine for sex, to do more than Blaine was ready for, suggesting that if Blaine didn't accommodate Sebastian's needs, Sebastian would find someone who would. Kurt watched as Sebastian began to separate Blaine from his friends, alienating Nick and Jeff, then David and Wes, until Blaine had very little contact with anyone other than Sebastian, and Sebastian was becoming colder and more distant. In an effort to revive their relationship, Blaine composed a song for Sebastian, pouring all of his love, hurt and confusion into the music. When he played it for Sebastian, hoping against hope for some sign of affection, all he got was derisive laughter as Sebastian walked out. "It was fun, Blaine. Thanks for everything. Have a nice life."

"How could he do that? How could that happen? Blaine deserves so much more! Blaine deserves better!" mourned Kurt. "I can't stand to see him treated like that."

"Shhh," soothed David. "It's okay. Blaine got over it. He has a pretty good life now. It isn't great, but it's pretty good."

"What … what do you mean?"

"He quit the Warblers, quit performing entirely. He never wrote another song. He sings in the shower sometimes, but never in public."

"How could he do that?" demanded Kurt. "Music is his life! He loves to sing — it makes him happy. Every year, he chooses a new instrument to master. It's the banjo this year," Kurt remembered. "And his songs — he has notebooks full of riffs and lyrics; he's always jotting something down. He gets letters from people all the time, telling him how his music has affected them. Sometimes it's just in small ways, but sometimes it's life-changing stuff. He really touches people. It's a wonderful gift."

"Think about the songs he composed. What was his first big hit, _Comfortable_? What was that song about?"

Kurt smiled, remembering. The story was kind of personal, but he didn't mind sharing it with Dave. This was just a dream anyway, right? "When we were first dating, I had some issues with … with intimacy," he said hesitantly. "Blaine was great. He never pushed me to go faster, to do more than I was ready for. (Well, except for one time when he was drunk, but that's another story.) He said he wanted me to be comfortable so he could be comfortable. When I was finally ready and he was ready … well, … it was … it was … just, ... wow. He wrote the song the next morning."

"What about his other songs," prompted Dave. "What are they about?"

Kurt just stared at Dave, dumbstruck. "They are all about us. They are about things we did together, or the way we feel about each other," he said slowly. "It isn't always obvious to outsiders and in interviews he usually says he writes songs to entertain the audience, but all his songs are personal. He's completely honest in his songs, never holds anything back. I think that's why people feel so connected to him: the emotions are real, so they are easy to relate to."

"You are his muse, Kurt," Dave explained. "Without you, he didn't have anything to say and he never touched those lives you were telling me about. Sebastian took away his confidence, made him feel that he wasn't good enough. He never really got over that, not in his music and not in his personal life."

"What do you mean?"

"After Sebastian, Blaine never had a serious relationship. He dated a few times but it never seemed to work out. Blaine is sort of a hopeless romantic. He believes he will find his soul mate someday, and he won't settle for anything less. Since you were never born …." Dave's voice trailed away, thinking of things that might have been, for himself as well as Blaine.

Kurt's voice pulled Dave back from his reverie. "If is isn't performing, what is he doing?"

"Blaine? Oh, he became an accountant. He makes good money, has a nice apartment. He works in Columbus. He's not really happy, but he isn't unhappy, I guess. Things could be worse."

"Didn't he follow Rachel to New York? The three of us planned that for ages."

Dave just looked at Kurt. "You still don't get it, do you? _You were never born!_ Rachel was _your _friend. Blaine never met her, or any of the New Directions. He never transferred to McKinley. Of course, he never played Spin the Bottle with Rachel, so he got to skip the whole questioning-my-sexuality incident. I guess that's another happy thing, but I think it's the only other one."

"But what about Nationals? We wouldn't have won without Blaine."

"The New Directions lost to the Trouble Tones at Sectionals. Without the two of you, they couldn't compete. The Trouble Tones let the girls join, but that was the end of the line for the guys. The girls made it to Nationals, but didn't even place in the top twenty. Mr. Schue tried to hold the New Directions together, but the group just sort of fell apart."

Kurt frowned. He hated to think of his friends unable to perform. He knew they felt the rush as much as he did. "At least Mike and Puck had _West Side Story_. Did Finn get my part?" he asked.

Dave rolled his eyes. _Was Kurt ever going to figure this out?_ "They held auditions, but there wasn't anyone to play Tony. Mike tried, but his singing wasn't quite good enough and Puck just wasn't right for the part. He kept doing some kind of bizarre Russian accent. They ended up cancelling the show before rehearsals started. Unfortunately, Mercedes had already joined the Trouble Tones before the cancellation was announced. She and Rachel had always hated each other, and the competition for the lead was the last straw."

"Oh," Kurt said slowly. "Right. Blaine only transferred to McKinley to be with me. Artie must have been devastated. That's when he figured out he wanted to be a director. I've seen some of the music videos he worked on. They are really innovative. He has quite the creative vision." Kurt stopped talking when he noticed the look on Dave's face. "Wait … don't tell me he isn't a director."

_Finally!_ thought Dave. "That's right, Kurt. He never realized that directing was his calling. He had opportunities later, but without the earlier experience of directing _West Side Story_, he lacked the confidence to try it."

"Wait a minute." Kurt was confused again. "You said Rachel and Mercedes hated each other. They didn't hate each other. Sure, they competed for solos, but they were good friends. I can't count the number of times the three of us had sleepovers or went on shopping trips together. We were _divas_ and we understood each other completely."

"You were the glue that held them together, Kurt. They both loved _you_."

"Are they okay?" Kurt asked, a little fearfully. If they hadn't been friends, there was no telling what might have happened to them.

"Remember when Sue got all crazy about nutrition and changed the cafeteria menus? It was right after you met Blaine."

"Being Vegan, Rachel didn't care about cafeteria food, so this must be about Mercedes. She got into trouble for stuffing Tots up the tailpipe of Sue's car, but I didn't have anything to do with that. Hmm..." Kurt reflected momentarily. "Oh, I remember. She sneaked a huge container of Tots into school. I told her she needed to take care of herself, to stop substituting food for love and me for a boyfriend. You mean …?"

"I'm afraid so. She was always kind of a "park and bark" singer, and it just got worse and worse. Eventually she didn't have enough energy to sing at all. The extra weight isn't good; her poor nutrition makes it worse. She eats too much fat and sugar and almost no protein. Add that to a genetic predisposition for hypertension and a tendency toward denial and you get a time bomb waiting to explode. She has a desk job at an insurance agency and gets almost no exercise. I'll be surprised if she makes it to age 40."

"Is there more?" Kurt asked. This was all so sad, but he was beginning to realize that he _had _been important, much more important than he knew.

"You don't have any way of knowing about this one. I'm pretty sure Artie kept it to himself," Dave said as he waved his hand again. The picture changed. Kurt thought it looked like Blaine and Rachel as Tony and Maria. Yes, it was; they were rehearsing _Tonight_. Kurt watched as Artie critiqued their performance and Coach Beiste and Miss Pillsbury left hastily, looking embarrassed. _Well, that explains the bar incident,_ thought Kurt. The scene changed; Coach Beiste confessed to Artie that she was attracted to Cooter. Another scene change and Artie was urging Cooter to try again and be really obvious. Once more and Cooter brought flowers to Coach Beiste and convinced her to go on a real date. The final scene: the couple holding hands in the audience on the opening night of _West Side Story_.

"So that's how they got together," said Kurt. "Finn told me he thought Cooter liked Coach Beiste, but she didn't seem to be getting it. So, without me, there was no Blaine; without Blaine, no play; without the play, Cooter and Shannon never got together. God, this sounds like that nursery rhyme, what is it? 'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost...'"

"Yeah, it does," replied Dave. Things are connected in ways we don't realize. One tiny action can make a huge difference to someone else. It's like the Butterfly Effect."

Kurt's mouth opened in surprise. "Okay, I'm impressed," he admitted. I would never have guessed that you had heard of the Butterfly Effect, much less that you understood it."

"I understand it better than you do," retorted Dave. "Tonight, starring in the role of _The Butterfly_, we have …", he said in a theatrical announcer's voice, like something you'd hear at a professional basketball game, "... Kurt Hummel."

"Okay, Dave. Enough stalling," Kurt said firmly. "Tell me about my father."

Dave sighed and cooperated with the inevitable. "Take my hand."


	7. Burt

**Don't own even a tiny piece of _Glee_.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed or made suggestions. I love hearing from you. Since this is sort of a holiday story, I'll be posting chapters fairly quickly. As a certain curly-haired performer says, "I hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends."**

* * *

><p>They were standing in front of Hummel Tires, but something felt wrong. Kurt glanced around. It was still the same building, the same landscaping, the same …. Oh, the sign. The sign read 'Houston Tires'; was it a misprint? His dad hadn't said anything about getting a new sign. He looked at Dave.<p>

"This is going to be a little rough, Kurt," Dave warned. Kurt steeled himself. _It's not real. It's just a dream._

"Your dad doesn't own the tire shop, Kurt."

"**What?**" exploded Kurt. "Of course he does. He took over when Grandpa died. Hummel's Tires has been in this location for years."

"Tell me about your mother's funeral, Kurt."

A look of horror crossed Kurt's face. "No, no … It can't be," he said weakly. "Please tell me it isn't true. Please tell me I didn't somehow cause her death by being born."

"No, Kurt, no!" Dave was hugging Kurt again. "You had nothing to do with her death. She still died, whether you were there or not. It's okay. Oh, I mean …," Dave stopped in confusion. "I don't mean that it's okay that she died. That was terrible. I just mean it wasn't your fault."

Kurt sighed in relief. "I know it's silly, but when something terrible happens when you are little, you can't help but wonder if it is somehow your fault, if you did something to cause it, or if it happened because you were bad. I guess I still had a little of those feelings left. I remember her funeral. I was so sad and scared. I loved my mother. We played games together, and sang together. She was always ready to play pretend or put on a show. When she died, I couldn't imagine what I would do without her. But afterward, when we were walking away, my dad reached down and took my hand, and I just knew — I was safe and we had each other and he would take care of me." Kurt smiled at the memory.

"Your dad felt the same way. As long as he had you, he had something to live for, a reason to get up in the morning."

"So, since I was never born …." Kurt's voice trailed off.

"That's right. He was alone. He didn't have anything to live for."

"Did he …did he … like you did?" Kurt couldn't even bring himself to say the words.

"No, he was a stronger person than I was," Dave said regretfully. "He just sort of lost interest in things for a while, let things go. By the time he got back on his feet, the tire shop was in bad shape. He had no choice but to sell out. The owners let him keep working there, though. In some ways, he was relieved. He didn't have anyone to leave the shop to so it wasn't so important to keep it in the family, and this way he didn't have to worry about the business end of things."

"What about Carole?" Kurt asked. "And Finn? Wasn't he sorry about the shop then?"

Dave frowned. "I thought you had this figured out, Kurt. How was he supposed to meet Carole if you weren't around to introduce them?"

Kurt was stunned. "What happened to them?"

"Carole dated a few men, but Finn was so adamantly against allowing anyone into their lives that she just gave up. She lives alone, but Finn and Quinn visit frequently. Carole's a wonderful grandmother."

"_Finn and Quinn?_" Kurt was incredulous. "What happened to Finn and Rachel?"

"Jean's funeral, Kurt. Remember? Never happened?" Dave said, a little impatience showing in his face for the first time. _What was it going to take to get through to Kurt?_

"But …, but … she was so _wrong_ for him. How have they even stayed together this long?"

"It's been rough for both of them," replied Dave. "They fight all the time. It's really hard on the kids, but neither of them has realized that everyone would be better off if they just split up. They think they should stay together for 'the sake of the children'. Quinn's concerned about her image, too. She's a realtor, and she thinks it looks better for her to be married, even if the marriage is making everyone miserable. I think she's afraid she'll never find another man who wants to be with her if she lets Finn go. Carole sees the way things are, but she just tries to be supportive of everything, especially the girls."

"And Rachel? Is she living in New York by herself?" Kurt felt terrible, thinking about her all alone in the big city.

"Rachel never went to New York."

"But … but … but," spluttered Kurt. "That was our dream — to attend NYADA, make it big on Broadway. NYADA didn't work out, but Rachel is becoming more famous every day. What happened?"

"After the mixer for prospective NYADA students, she was so intimidated by the other kids with their long lists of credits and obvious talent that she just gave up on her dream. Together, the two of you had courage; alone, she just couldn't brave it. If she had been friends with Mercedes it might have been different, but they never conquered their mutual animosity. She lives in Westerville and performs in community theatre from time to time. The Dalton students love her. Her drama classes always have a waiting list. She still pretty high maintenance, though, and hasn't found anyone willing to put up with her for more than a few weeks. I guess men like Finn are few and far between," mused Dave.

"Tell me more about my Dad," Kurt insisted. "It seems like Burt and Carole would have met eventually, whether I was there or not. They are so _good_ together. Surely Fate, or whatever, would have taken a hand and gotten them together sooner or later." Kurt didn't like Dave's expression. Dave looked sad and nervous and reluctant, all at the same time. "What is it, Dave? Is it something bad?" Kurt said, fearfully.

Dave grimaced. This was the one thing he wanted to avoid most of all. _It's probably best to just say it and get it over with,_ he thought. "They might have gotten together, Kurt, but your dad didn't survive his first heart attack. There wasn't anyone there to believe in him, to pull him back from the coma. He just quietly slipped away. I'm so sorry."

_It's just a dream. It's not real. It didn't really happen. Dad is fine. It's just a dream... _This was becoming Kurt's mantra, keeping him sane. "Oh, Dave …" he sobbed as the other boy pulled him into a hug once more.


	8. What Really Is

**Happy Boxing Day, or Hit-the-Stores-for-the-After-Christmas-Sales Day, depending on where you live. **

**This chapter is for SilverWhiteDragon, who pointed out that I hadn't laid the groundwork for the ending I had in mind. I hope this helps.**

**I don't own _Glee_. _Sami _and _Hey, Dragon _(aka _The Dragon Song_) copyright Darren Criss and StarKid Productions. _Losing You_ is original, as far as I know. More about that below.**

* * *

><p>"Dave?" sniffled Kurt. "This isn't real, is it? It's just a dream, right? My life is messed up right now, but this is so much worse."<p>

"This is what-would-have-been," replied Dave. "But, now I need to show you what-really-is, and I need you to open your heart and mind, really _see _what is happening, not just what you _think _is happening." He reached for Kurt's hand and they were back in Kurt's bedroom, Kurt's laptop open on the desk before them.

A song from an old musical flashed into Kurt's head. _'Let's reevaluate our options; throw away our old presumptions, 'cause, really, you don't want to go through this.'_ Kurt nodded.

Dave waved his hand and a window opened on the desktop and what appeared to be a YouTube video began to play.

Blaine was in his manager's office. The door opened and he looked up at the man entering the room. "Sam! Sam Evans!" he exclaimed. "How are you? I haven't seen you in forever! Get over here and give me a hug!" The two men embraced warmly, patting each other on the back. "I didn't realize this meeting would be with you. What can I do for you?"

Sam hesitated. "I need a favor, Blaine. I hate to ask, but I'm pretty much out of options and I'm desperate."

Blaine reached for Sam's hand. "Anything, Sam. If it's in my power, I'll do it. Tell me what you need."

"Remember when my dad lost his job and we had to move to that seedy motel for a while?" Blaine nodded. "We were lucky. We never had to go to a shelter. I don't know what I would have done if Stacy and Stevie had been exposed to that. Many homeless people are good people who are just down on their luck, but some are sick and some are criminals, and some do things they wouldn't do otherwise because they are trying to survive. Ever since then, I vowed that I would help create shelters that would be safe for families. New York has several family shelters, but they're always full. I'm a fundraiser for the Boo Project. We started by providing stuffed animals to homeless children, but now we are trying to open a shelter of our own."

Sam noticed Blaine's confusion. "It's a strange name, I know," he continued. "The founder had a stuffed dog as a child. She named it 'Bruce' after her best friend, but she couldn't say 'Bruce', so she called it 'Boo'. You should see it. It's in a display case in her office. It's completely covered with patches. You can't even see the original fur any more. She must have really loved it."

"That sounds like a great idea, Sam. I'd be more than happy to make a donation." Blaine reached for his checkbook.

"Monetary help is always appreciated, Blaine, but I'm afraid I'm asking for more than that. We have a benefit concert planned for the day after Christmas, and our headliner cancelled. Oh, no, it wasn't her fault," Sam hastened to explain when he saw the look on Blaine's face. "She has the flu. Anyway, we've tried to find a replacement, but everyone we called has plans they can't change. The concert is already sold out and we've used the money for a down payment on the building, so refunds aren't an option."

Blaine hesitated, obviously torn. "Sam, I'm so sorry, but Kurt and I are going to Lima for Christmas. We leave this afternoon."

Sam's face fell. "It's okay, Blaine. I knew it was a long shot." He turned to leave.

Blaine bit his lip. "Sam, wait. I'll do it. Kurt is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met. His dad tells me he gets it from his mom. I'm sure he'd want me to do the concert, especially since it's you asking." Blaine smiled at the memory of that long-ago encounter, possibly the most awkward, embarrassing conversation he'd ever had. Telling your best friend's father that he needed to talk to his son about sex — talk about overstepping! "Just leave the details with my manager. I'll see you on the 26th."

Kurt's eyes filled with tears yet again. "Why didn't he tell me?" he wondered aloud.

"Did you give him a chance, Kurt?" Dave asked gently. He waved his hand and another video started to play.

Blaine was on the phone. Kurt couldn't tell to whom he was talking, but Blaine was obviously annoyed. "But it's Wednesday. I told you not to schedule things for Wednesday night." A pause while he listened to the person on the other end — _'probably his manager'_ Kurt thought. "Yes, I know it's important to get my name out there, to do interviews and make appearances, but not on Wednesday." Another pause. "Because Wednesday is our date night. Kurt and I spend Wednesday night together. Always. I'm taking him to the new exhibit at Parsons: _Fashion Then and Now._"

'_Oh,'_ Kurt thought, _'this is the first time he cancelled a Wednesday night date."_

"No, I can _not _bring him along to the interview. That isn't a date." ... "Yes, I know I said that." …. "Yes, I know I said that, too." ... "_Don't_ keep throwing my words back at me! I know what I said. I want to make enough money so Kurt can quit his job. I want him to have his turn, but what's the point if I make him — make us both — unhappy while I'm doing it?" ... "Can we do this tomorrow night?" …. "Breach of contract? You wouldn't!" ... "Fine! You're not giving me much of a choice, are you? But this better not happen again! Wednesday nights are sacred."

"Wow," breathed Kurt. "He really didn't want to cancel our date. I had no idea. I was so mean to him..."

With a wave of Dave's hand, another video started.

Blaine was in his manager's office. "Another Wednesday night performance?" he asked, dispiritedly. "Must you keep doing this? Oh, well, I guess it doesn't matter much. Kurt hasn't been too interested in our date nights lately. I wish I knew what to do, Bill. He's been so distant and he doesn't seem to have any interest in either of our careers. He won't go to any of the auditions I've found for him, and he doesn't want to come to my performances. It's killing me to see him so unhappy. I haven't written a song in weeks, and I'm beginning to think none of this is worth it. Maybe he would be better off without me."

Bill patted Blaine's shoulder sympathetically. "Give it time, Blaine. Kurt loves you. He'll come around."

"I hope you're right, Bill. I'm not worth much without him."

Kurt was silent, processing. He had misjudged Blaine. Blaine hadn't been pushing him to the side. Kurt had been doing it to himself, seeing everything that happened in the worst possible light, never giving Blaine the benefit of the doubt, never giving him a chance to explain, making assumptions that he now saw were completely unwarranted.

Dave looked at Kurt, questioning. Kurt nodded, and Dave waved once more...

Blaine was sitting at the piano, obviously composing. Kurt would have known it even if he hadn't seen it so many times before. He played a few notes, then scribbled in his spiral. Kurt could barely make out the title of the song: _Losing You_. Judging from the number of crossed out lines, the crumpled paper littering the floor, and the state of his hair, Blaine had been working on the song for quite a while. _'You know it isn't going well when Blaine starts messing up his hair,'_ Kurt thought. Blaine set down the pen and began to play in earnest. Kurt was surprised at the sounds filling the room. The song was clearly in a minor key and the tempo was quite slow. Blaine had never written anything like this before; it was so … sad, haunting, almost.

Blaine began to sing softly.

_You were my rock, my only one.  
><em>The person I depended on.<em>  
><em>_You raised me up, you soothed the pain.__  
><em>_Will I ever see you again?  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me._

Dave waved his hand and another window opened beside the first. Scenes of Blaine and Kurt together began to play as Blaine continued to sing. Kurt watched himself pretending to be asleep at night when Blaine came to bed, refusing to respond to Blaine's touch; saw the disappointment and hurt on Blaine's face. He watched as he stayed up until Blaine had fallen asleep so lonely in their bed.

_You turn your back; you pull away.  
><em>_Don't seem to hear the words I say.  
><em>_You swore you'd never say goodbye,  
><em>_But now you're gone; I don't know why.  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me._

"Bridge … I need a bridge," muttered composer-Blaine, running his hand through his curls before scribbling again. Meanwhile, the scenes continued to play in the other window: Kurt avoiding Blaine's hugs; Blaine watching a movie on the couch alone while Kurt 'cleaned' the already-immaculate kitchen, falling asleep, misery written all over his face; Kurt refusing to look at the open casting call notices Blaine brought him.

_You were always there for me.  
><em>_I can't make it on my own.  
><em>_I miss your touch, your laugh, your eyes.  
><em>_The way you see through my disguise.  
><em>_I'm myself when I'm with you.  
><em>_I'm safe; I'm free; I'm born anew.  
><em>_Please say that you'll be there for me  
><em>_Let me be there for you._

More furious scribbling, then back to the keys. A muttered, "I _have _to finish this for the benefit. I have to …" Scenes of Kurt refusing to accompany Blaine to concerts and appearances; Blaine waiting at a table, telling the server to come back in a few minutes, looking at his watch, waiting, waiting ..., sadly leaving, alone.

Kurt turned to face Dave. "Is this today?"

"Yeah. This is real-time. He started on it about the time you got on the plane," Dave confirmed.

_I know you need to try your wings,  
><em>_Need to find your path.  
><em>_But can't we fly together?  
><em>_Don't shut me out - that's all I ask.  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me._

_Please tell me how to fix this;  
><em>_Is there nothing I can do?  
><em>_No words to say to bring you back?  
><em>_Make 'us' again from 'me' and 'you'?  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me.  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me.  
><em>_I'm losing you, I'm losing me._

Blaine's voice broke. He took a deep breath, trying to regain control. "Kurt has to listen. I'll _make_ him listen. Somehow, I'll make him listen."

_You were my rock, my muse, my all.  
><em>_I'm nothing without you._

Blaine dropped his head onto the piano as sobs wracked his body. "Kurt … Kurt," he moaned.

"Dave," Kurt lamented, "I was so wrong! This is all my fault. Please tell me it's not too late; that I can fix this. Please tell me what to do."

"Look in you heart, Kurt. You know what to do. _'Courage.'_"

* * *

><p><strong>I hope the lyrics aren't too horrible. The song needed to be specific and original (from Blaine). I realize the scansion is off in several places and the rhyme scheme is inconsistent, but we can just pretend that Blaine is really upset so he isn't doing his best work. I considered using <em>Another Love Affair<em>, but as I said before, I'm trying to keep Darren out of this and he's intruded enough as it is. Besides, although it's a great song, even if I added a happy-ending verse (I see it as a duet: the girl says she can make her own decisions and she wants the guy and he needs to stop being such an idiot) that's the opposite of what Blaine has to say. I realize one line is pretty close to a line from _Sami_. No copyright infringement is intended. If it turns out that I actually copied a song I remembered without realizing it, please let me know.**


	9. Rescue

**Once again, thanks to SilverWhiteDragon for making suggestions and being a sounding board. I appreciate all of you who added this story to your alerts. You made my day! asa-chan, I would have responded to your review, but you have private messaging turned off. I appreciate that you shared your thoughts with me.**

**How many times do I have to say it? _Glee_ doesn't belong to me. There's a slight nod to _Jealousy_, by Darren Criss, as well. That man just won't stay out of this story!**

* * *

><p>Kurt wasn't entirely sure what had happened. Was this a dream, just his subconscious reminding him of things he already knew? That didn't explain Coach Beiste, Sam, Blaine's conversations with Bill, or the song Blaine was composing. There was no way Kurt had known any of those things, but Kurt was absolutely positive they were true. He didn't know how he knew that, why he was so certain about it, but he knew he did and he was.<p>

If it was more than a dream, then what was Dave? Was he some kind of ghost? That didn't make sense — Dave wasn't dead, at least he wasn't dead if Kurt had been born. Wait …. Kurt remembered the strange voice he had heard. _'Kurt Hummel … erased.'_ If he had been erased, then Dave was dead, at least if his experiences of the last _how long?_ could be believed. Had Kurt been … what? _unerased? _ Did that cause Dave to be undead? No, not 'undead'; he certainly wasn't a zombie. _Restored_ -— that was a better word. That sort of made sense, but Kurt still wasn't satisfied.

Maybe that wasn't really Dave at all. Maybe it was something that _looked _like Dave, taking Dave's form to take advantage of an existing relationship. Not an angel — the existence of angels implied the existence of God, and Kurt didn't believe in God — at least he used to think he didn't. He wasn't so sure any more. Maybe what he didn't believe in was man's interpretation of God. What was it they talked about in his philosophy class at Dalton? Oh, yeah, Pascal's Wager. Essentially, Pascal said that he, Pascal, didn't know whether God existed or not, but he chose to live his life as if He did, because there was nothing to lose if it turned out there was no God, and everything to gain if it turned out that there was. Maybe Pascal had the right idea.

Kurt realized he was losing his train of thought. Where was he? Oh, that's right. Not an angel, but some kind of entity. A spirit? A life force? An alien? Hmm … The truth was, it didn't matter at all, he realized. Kurt didn't need to understand it completely. It didn't even need to make sense. All that really mattered was that Kurt had a much better understanding of his life, of himself, and he knew what he needed to do to make things better, to make things _right_.

It was like pebbles tossed into a pond, ripples spreading out, intersecting in unpredictable ways, each one affecting the others; a butterfly whose wings created an air current that changed weather patterns halfway around the world. He had touched lives, and those lives had touched other lives. He really _was _important; he would be missed; he had made a dent. The world was better because he was there.

He realized now that his feelings of isolation were his own fault. Blaine wasn't keeping him from his dreams; it was all on him, Kurt. Blaine was making plenty of money for the two of them. Kurt could have quit his job months ago. Kurt had so many options: performer, fashion designer, anything he wanted. All he had to do was decide. Blaine had told him that over and over; Kurt just hadn't been listening. _Kurt, come with me to LA, ... Miami, … Toronto. It doesn't matter if you lose your job. You don't need to work any more. Quit your job. It's your turn now. It's time for you to live your dream._

If he was honest with himself, he had to admit that he was a little afraid. Okay, a lot afraid. Blaine had been so successful. What if Kurt never made it? What if he wasn't good enough? There was more, too. He could hear the echo of the conversation from so long ago. '_Do I detect a little … jealousy?' 'Oh, you detect a lot of jealousy.' _Blaine told him later that it was at that moment he realized their relationship had changed and Kurt didn't need a mentor any longer. Kurt allowed himself to dwell on the memory of that week a little longer: Pavarotti's death; Kurt's performance of _Blackbird_; Blaine's turning his solo into a duet and refusing to hold auditions, and incredibly, the Warblers going along with it; the magical moment when Blaine _finally_ admitted his feelings, moving in slowly to give Kurt time to back away, pressing their lips together in that first, oh-so-wonderful, kiss. Total honesty — heart on the line. He loved Blaine so much! He had loved him then, and he loved him now, and he knew his love was returned. They were soul mates and they belonged together. Nothing would ever change that.

His friends hadn't abandoned him, either. He was the one who had cut off communications. Why had he done that? Yes, Rachel was annoying, but she had always been annoying. It was part of what he loved about her. And, yes, he was jealous of her success, but he could get past that. Jealousy was just a chemical reaction. He could deal with it. Maybe even tell her about it. That had certainly worked out well with Blaine. He smiled again at the memory. So what was the problem?

_I'm ashamed because I'm working in a dead-end job and none of my big dreams have come true._ Kurt blinked. _Where had that come from?_ The more he thought about it, the more he realized it was true. He wasn't ashamed of his job — it was honest work, albeit somewhat less than challenging. He was ashamed that he hadn't had the guts to go after his dreams. _Mercedes, Santana, Rachel, all his friends — they were better than that. They didn't judge him, look down on him. Why had he thought they would?_ He really couldn't explain it. In retrospect, it seemed idiotic.

_It's going to be different,_ he resolved. _I'm going to be different. _He just hoped it wasn't too late. His life wasn't wonderful, but he had the power to make it everything he had ever desired. He knew that now.

* * *

><p>Kurt realized he was shivering. He heard knocking and someone was shouting. What was he saying? "Kurt Hummel, … erased." Kurt opened his eyes. The car must have used the last of the gas because the engine had died and it was getting colder by the minute. He couldn't understand the man standing outside his car so he pressed the button to lower the window, hoping there was still enough power in the battery.<p>

"I said, 'Are you Kurt Hummel?' Yes? Good. My name is Clarance. I'm sorry this took so long. Somehow your name got erased from the list of stranded motorists in the computer but the dispatcher remembered you and realized you hadn't been helped yet, so here I am. It looks like your car is okay. I'll get you back on the road and fill your tank and you should be good to go. You must be freezing! My truck's nice and warm, so you can sit in there while I take care of your car. Just don't tell my boss," he added in a stage whisper.

Kurt settled into the passenger seat of the tow truck, grateful for the warmth. He pulled out his phone. dialed, and waited for the connection. "Blaine," he began as soon as he heard the tentative 'hello'. "I love you, and I'm _in_ love with you, and I'm sorry — so sorry, and you're _not _losing me. I'll never say goodbye to you." He smiled when he heard the strangled sob on the other end.

"Oh, Kurt! I was so afraid. I messed everything up and I didn't know how to fix it. I'm sorry, too, more than you'll ever know. I shouldn't have scheduled that benefit without talking to you first. All I needed to do was pick up the phone and I didn't do it. I knew this was the only time we could visit your parents, and I know how much they mean to you. They mean a lot to me, too, and I can't believe I didn't think about this."

"It's okay, Blaine," Kurt soothed. "I shouldn't have walked out like that without giving you a chance to explain and without telling you why I was so upset. I've been doing that a lot lately — not listening to you, not sharing my feelings — and I want you to know that it stops right now. We've always been completely honest with each other. I want to get back to that. No more hiding feelings — no more shutting the other out. We listen to each other and we talk it out. Deal?"

"Deal. But I get to play Meg Ryan."

_What?_ At first Kurt was taken aback by the complete non sequitur. _Had Blaine lost his mind?_ Then he remembered: Early February, 2011. _"We sing flirty duets together … You know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that was … nothing? …. So it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'." …. "Don't they get together in the end?"_ It had been quite a bit like the movie (except they hadn't experienced the initial animosity or sporadic meetings), friendship that had deepened into so much more.

"Hey, Billy Crystal, that was _my_ line," Kurt complained, pretending to be offended, but the smile showing in his voice despite himself. It just felt so _good_ to be sharing one of their little inside jokes again, one of the things that no one else knew about, something that was just for them. He could feel the tension leaving his body as they laughed together.

"I was worried about you, Kurt. You should have been in Lima an hour ago, and when you didn't call I didn't know if something had happened to you, or if you just didn't want to talk to me. I thought about calling Burt and Carole, but I didn't want them to know how insensitive I had been," Blaine confessed.

"I'm fine, Blaine. I had a little car trouble and I had to wait a while for the tow truck, but I had heat and it gave me some time to think about things, figure out what I wanted. Clarance is getting me fixed up right now," he added.

"I hate that you were all alone out there. I should have been with you. I'll bet you were lonely."

"You'd be surprised, Blaine. I'll tell you about it later," Kurt promised.

"So …" Blaine hesitated, not sure he wanted to know the answer. "So what did you decide?"

"I don't want to be 'you' and 'me'. I want to be 'us'." He kept talking, ignoring Blaine's gasp. "I never want us to shut each other out again. I want us to go back to our date nights. It doesn't have to be Wednesday, but we should be able to find one night each week to be together. I want to tell you when my feeling are hurt, and I want to listen to you. I want us to work together so both of us can be happy. And, …" Kurt took a breath. _Here goes nothing._ "... I want to quit my job. I'm not sure if I want to pursue design or performing — maybe I'll dabble in both — but my 18 months starts January 1st, so start watching for auditions."

"Oh, Kurt!" Blaine choked out.

"I want something from you, too," he continued. "I want you to fight harder — against your management team, against the public, even against me — to make people listen. Don't give up. If I shut you out, come after me. I hope I'll never do that again, but if I do, don't give up on me. I know we can't always have what we want — you really are at the mercy of a bunch of people and that's part of being a success — but I'll bet we can find a way to negotiate what we need. I want us to stand together, Blaine. Neither of us should be in the background. We're a team."

"I can do that!" exclaimed Blaine. "I'll cut back on the charity work and public appearances."

"No, I'm not asking you to do that at all, Blaine. Public appearances are necessary and your charity work is important. I love that you care about other people so much. You always did what you could, and I'm so proud that you've stepped up your contributions now that you are in a position to do more. You give something more valuable than money — you give your time. How could I call myself 'moral and compassionate' if I didn't support you? Especially the Boo Project. I wouldn't want you to turn Sam down."

"I didn't get a chance to tell you about that," Blaine said slowly. "Did Sam …."

"Can I call you back in about thirty minutes when I get to my dad's house? Clarance is finished, so I should get back on the road, and I think I need to concentrate on my driving. It's pretty slick out here." Kurt interrupted gently.

"Take as long as you need," said Blaine happily. "I'll wait forever."

"Well, that's nice to know, but I don't think it will take that long. Call you back in half an hour. I've got a long story I want to tell you and a song I want to sing for you. It's called _Losing You_. I think it might need some revision. Maybe we can do it together. I love you." Kurt could hear Blaine spluttering on the other end of the line as he disconnected.

* * *

><p>"Okay, Buddy, you're good to go," said the tow truck driver, genially. "Oh, no." He waved away the credit card Kurt was offering. "Dave said to tell you it was on the house and Merry Christmas."<p>

"Dave?" That was a coincidence. Surely not...

"Dave Karofsky, my boss. He was livid when he heard you were still stranded. He said you guys went to high school together and someone had better get out here and take care of you immediately."

Kurt opened the door and stepped into the cold. "Thank you so much, Clarance, and tell Dave 'thank you for everything' as well. Merry Christmas."

He and Blaine still had a lot to talk about and Kurt had fences to mend and more calls to make, but it was a start. The lines of communication were open again between the two of them, and Kurt knew they would be okay. Kurt smiled as he headed down the road toward Lima. It was going to be a wonderful life, a wonderful life for both of them. He was going to make sure of that.

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed the story. I got a few comments and suggestions along the way, one of which was that Mike and Puck never joined New Directions because the football team never learned <em>Single Ladies <em>(thanks, Magical Muggles). I decided that although Kurt had been instrumental in teaching the dance to the football players, it wasn't his idea and his absence only meant that Brittany and Tina taught the song to the football players instead (mostly because it would have meant a major rewrite of a chapter I had already posted), so nothing changed (except maybe more of them would have joined).**

**I know some of you thought I was putting everything on Kurt, and you were right. In my head, this was mostly Kurt's doing (I don't want to say 'fault') - not because he was a bad person or even a diva (well, yes, he is a diva), but because he became overwhelmed (and maybe depressed - looking back I see that I did write a number of characteristics of depression, even though it wasn't intentional) and started seeing things differently than they really were. I'm not saying that Blaine was blameless - he wasn't - but he wouldn't have been able to fix things by himself. In the real world, one little dream (or whatever this was) wouldn't solve all Kurt's problems, but this is a Christmas miracle story, so … 'nuff said. It is what it is.**

**All that being said, if a story needs a bunch of explanation, the author probably didn't do a very good job. I'll work on that for next time.**

**If you've stayed with me for all of this and read the whole story (well, duh! you don't just go around reading the author's notes, obviously), thank you so much. I love you all.**


End file.
